When you’ve been told for a week that your son is going to die “any time now, maybe even within the hour,” and then he continues to hold on, you start to wonder if the doctors are right. You look for any miniscule shred of evidence that they really don’t know what they’re talking about. Every flinch, every eyelash flutter, every hand squeeze becomes a flicker of hope.
Hearts. TJ sends me hearts
I am not always capable of overlooking the grief. That’s ok, though. It’s not about living in denial of sadness; it’s about living despite the sadness.
“….I was mentally checked out for the day. I had worked my butt off the day before and even that morning….”
January. In its twenty-one days, it has been a month so far marked by tears and marked by smiles. I have passed through the anniversaries of TJ’s death and funeral which are never easy (tears). But I also celebrated the birthday of this blog, which was very cool (smiles)! I have packed away clothing of TJ’s (tears). But I have…
Today I celebrate the first anniversary of This Mama’s Heart. When I started last January, I wasn’t quite sure if anyone outside my family and close friends would be interested in my thoughts- the good, bad, and the ugly. But as it turns out, other people are interested and I am truly blessed to know I have touched hearts. I…
I thought I knew what I was going to write about. Three years ago today, TJ and I were being airlifted from Washington, D.C. to Philadelphia, from one Children’s Hospital to another. I thought I was going to tell you about all the hope I felt that day to be able to get back to our home hospital and meet…
Driving to the home school co-op this morning I felt the holiday sadness creeping in. Like a wiggle worm- one part “get off me” and one part “don’t go away”- the emotions moved through my ears to my head, to my heart, and finally finding their escape route as tears that drenched my cheeks. It’s never easy knowing how to…
Thanksgiving. It’s tomorrow. My co-worker called me this morning to ask if I’d be okay. “It is what it is,” I replied. “Yes, it is.” We ended our conversation with promises to talk tomorrow and I moseyed into the kitchen to tackle some cleaning. After all the dishes were cleaned I set my sights on dusting. I enlisted the help…
Our family celebrated the wedding of my sister yesterday and so yet another special occasion has come and gone without the sweet exuberance of my TJ. It was an amazing day with such love and joy. But for me, I can’t help but miss the one who’s missing. It all started Friday night when we went out to dinner at…