Have you ever been somewhere and felt so out of place that you felt like a foreigner? You had no idea where to go or how you’d get there if you did know. Have you ever been somewhere and felt like that even though you had been there dozens upon dozens of times? It is sort of like the opposite of deja vu. When you have deja vu there is a distinct feeling that you have seen something, been somewhere, met someone before. Even if you didn’t know WHY you felt that way there was a certainty that you knew “X”. Going back to the opposite, there’s a certainty that you know NOTHING. That is how I feel today. In terms of grieving that is.
Category: Anniversaries
Hell Week
The memories flood into my thought-space and there’s not much I can do about it. Part of me wants to sit in bed all day and stare at photos from TJ’S last week. And part of me says “get your ass outta bed!” I don’t know which will win. Right now it’s the “stay in bed” voice. I feel paralyzed and even when I look around at all that waits to be tended to, I just don’t give a fuck. Maybe one more hour in bed? Two? I don’t know. I don’t know how to get through today.
Remembering
There’s nothing simple about showing up for someone’s pain
Hills and Valleys
Today I celebrate the first anniversary of This Mama’s Heart. When I started last January, I wasn’t quite sure if anyone outside my family and close friends would be interested in my thoughts- the good, bad, and the ugly. But as it turns out, other people are interested and I am truly blessed to know I have touched hearts. I…
Home
I thought I knew what I was going to write about. Three years ago today, TJ and I were being airlifted from Washington, D.C. to Philadelphia, from one Children’s Hospital to another. I thought I was going to tell you about all the hope I felt that day to be able to get back to our home hospital and meet…
4 Years, 1461 Days, 35064 Hours, 2103840 Minutes
Two million, one-hundred-three thousand, eight hundred, forty minutes. That is how long it has been that I have known about gliomatosis cerebri, the beast that ended my son’s earthly existence but can NEVER end his spirit. On this day four years ago I was taking TJ to the ER with my sister at my side. About five hours into our…
Another Anniversary
August 9th. Today. Thirty-one months have marched by since TJ left this plane. Marched? Crawled? Eeked? Which word is the best? “Eek” sounds right since that gives me a sense of just barely getting by, like me most days. “Crawled” sounds good since the days without him are long. “Marched” seems right too though, because marching feels harsh to me…
I Persist
Where do I start today? I don’t really know. I’m very emotional today. It is the anniversary of the death of a good friend’s son who also had gliomatosis. I grieve for my friend. It is this friend and this son whose story I found nearly four years ago in my online quest for any information on gliomatosis. Her son…
Aliens and Machetes
This evening while standing over a sink of dishes and feeling like the rug had been yanked out from under me, my husband asked if I still feel the same level of intense heartache that I felt two years ago. Today marks two years since TJ’s Celebration of Life and somehow it feels like it was but a moment ago…
Not What I had Planned
Have you ever had one of those days that didn’t quite go as planned? It’s not that it went totally off the rails, but little things here and little things there didn’t work out and it left you feeling less than satisfied? What if that day was one that held great significance to you and you desperately wanted it to…