I didn’t know what today would bring. It’s relatively early in the day, in fact, and I still don’t know the path ahead of me. I woke feeling heavy, weighed down physically. It was hard to get out of bed. Puppy whining in her crate, “Let me out. I need to pee.” It was an hour or more later than she was used to getting freed from her sleeping quarters. The old-man dog was totally fine waiting, sleeping on my chaise lounge (which I hate but have given up & decided it’s his comfy spot. I get it Roscoe, I need a comfy spot, too.)
Dragging my feet wearily downstairs, I took care of Nova, Roscoe, & Jack, my three rascals. Pottied, fed, watered, cleaned litter, snuggled, they were okay on their own for a while. With coffee going I turned toward feeding myself. Yesterday I made it to Target for groceries (of course forgetting a bunch of things including more coffee) & had bought a nice whole grain bread. Toast & jam? Sounds good. Ah, but the box of store-bought chocolate donuts said, “Look over here. Don’t I look yummy?” No, but they did look comforting & that’s what I really wanted- comforting. I made my choice & settled in at the kitchen table with coffee & a donut (and it was NOT comforting. It tasted fake & completely unsatisfying. Oh, right, this brand always tastes like that. Great. What a waste! No comfort found there.)
The watch said I had 15-30 minutes to get out the door to pick up my son from his dad’s house. ‘Ok, you can do this,’ I told myself. Back into bed just for a few minutes. I laid there feeling more & more paralyzed. It got harder to breathe. Where did the elephant on my chest come from? Wearing yesterday’s clothes I found my snow boots & coat & managed a short trip to the car.
Music. I’ll put the radio on. Oh, God, how assaulting. I don’t know what was playing but it was loud & abrasive. I quickly remembered how much I hate the radio. The commercials, the DJs. Make it stop. Pandora to the rescue. My coffeehouse radio station came on. The mellow songs of even Nirvana covers were so soothing. Then came a song I hadn’t heard before- “The Power of Love” by Gabreille Aplin. She sang of a love that protects, lights, purges the soul.
The power of love
A force from above
Cleaning my soul
Flame on burn desire
Love with tongues of fire
Purge the soul
Make love your goal
Her lyrics reminded of the meaning of life and it was as if TJ was also reminding me he is here loving me & encouraging me to stay the course of showing & giving love to others.
Sleeping At Last’s cover of “Chasing Cars” began playing. The words pressed in on me. They were a cloud of twilight sleep. “Breathe in my words. You’ll feel better soon,” I heard. Not the actual words, but what my brain heard. It was a soothing croon….
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don’t quite know
How to say
How I feel
I felt heard, noticed.
Turning onto our street, the Jason Castro rendition of “Hallelujah” rose into the air. I don’t really know why I associate this song with TJ. Every time it comes on I think of him, and I have to sing it loudly, slowly, soaking in every syllable.
The space around me is filled with a rollercoaster of emotions. Tears, love, hurt, smiles. Somehow it all works together and I’m able to bob my head side to side listening to a Taylor Swift cover. Adele belts out a Cure song from way back. It was always a favorite. “Lovesong” always brings out deep emotions nestled down in my heart.
Lissie is up next. She is clearly understanding me today. Do you think she was feeling as lost as I am today when she wrote this? A boat without a rudder, I feel like I don’t know which way to go. Everyone says I don’t need to know. “It’s ok,” they tell me. I don’t know what to feel. “It’s ok,” everyone says. Do they not know it’s actually not ok? It leaves me feeling numb, wavering, directionless. It’s not a good feeling. It’s not a good look. Don’t tell me it’s ok. Give me direction. Lissie gets it. She is asking too.
And I’ll fall on my knees
Tell me how’s the way to be
Tell me how’s the way to go
Tell me all that I should know
And I’ll fall on my knees
Tell me how’s the way to go
Tell me how’s the way to be
To evoke some empathy
Danger will follow me
Everywhere I go
Angels will call on me
And take me to my home
This tired mind just wants to be led home
Don’t worry. I’m not going off the deep end. I am embracing every word sung into my heart. They are infusions of empathy, sympathy, a little buoy from time to time. Few people get it. That’s not bad or wrong. But I think everyone gets the power of music to soothe, to tame, to mellow, to wrap around, to kiss your soul at its weakest most tender times in life. And because of this I let the music do its thing and wait for the savage beast called Grief to be soothed & put to rest…for now.
“Ones a devil, one keeps driving me insane. Sometimes I wonder if they ain’t both the same. One’s a liar that helps to hide me from my pain. One’s a long-gone bitter truth.”
The Power of Love https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNpeK7sDLzE
Chasing Cars https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2URIAPegF4
Hallelujah https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANncUPxfnOI
Lovesong (Adele) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnH9FHfD0Zg
Lovesong (The Cure) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXCKLJGLENs
Everywhere I Go https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4s3dOn0GfQ
Whiskey and You Chris Stapleton – Whiskey and You (Acoustic Version) – YouTube
