I saw this Instagram post today and it was meaningful to me on multiple levels. It made me think of all the times I think of TJ, how he’s in my day and in my life but not in a physical form, a ghost if you will.
Honestly, I don’t want to not think of TJ. I want an overwhelming haunting from him. I am learning to embrace the ghost as it is TJ’s new form and if I don’t embrace it then I would not have him in my life.
But by this I am talking about when I get messages from him to remind me that he is right here. For instance, a couple Saturdays ago my youngest was at Trunk or Treat at school with his dad. When they signed in the lady said, “I see Rocco and TJ Reilly.” Obviously I had not registered my dead son for Trunk or Treat. The lady showed him her screen and sure enough, both boys were registered. Now that’s a “haunting”. I was happy for them that TJ had sent a sign that he was right there. The boys always went trick or treating together and so naturally TJ wouldn’t miss out on Trunk or Treat!
I have no idea who TJ was this year (2014). It is a character from a cartoon that I’m sure one of you will recognize. I made the jumpsuit and he told me how the white cape was supposed to look. We did that part together and bought him muscle arms. He loved it!
I will tell you the kind of “hauntings” I would like to get rid of- the ones that remind me of the heartache and suffering. And this is the other way that Dean’s IG post spoke to me (“what do you do when…”) It can be so overwhelming when I am suddenly thrown right back into the tragedy of it all. A week ago I came across stacks of bills from Children’s Hospital. They had all been paid once I was able to get him on medical assistance but they were still in my stack of “file these” papers. Why? Why have I kept them? Did I want to be reminded of all the times he was hospitalized? One wouldn’t think so. It’s like the times I found his medications. Sometimes in bottles, sometimes in a weekly sorted pillbox. Sometimes in a travel bag of rescue meds if we were going to be out. So these bills just stared me in the face taunting me asking, “Why do you still have us? Why do you want the heartache we bring?” I put them in the “shred” pile and yesterday I finally got around to shredding them all, every last one. It was hard. I don’t know why. I’m glad it’s done, though, so I never have to see them again.
Another ghost haunted me last night. I had Little Guy tucked into bed and wanted to watch TV. I would’ve put on Monday Night Football, but I don’t get ESPN so I started browsing and stumbled onto that new show with Jimmy Smits, “Bluff City Something or Other”. Smits character was being asked to represent a man with ALS who wanted to end his life with dignity. He would have to get a judge’s permission since the state didn’t allow for physician-assisted suicide. There was a scene in which the man was having a seizure and being intubated. They filmed it in a very hurried and chaotic way, making the viewer realize how traumatic it can be to have a breathing tube put down your airway and paddles jolting you with electricity in an attempt to restart your heart. It’s not pretty. It was exactly the kind of image a hospice worker paints for a family when they are deciding if they want to sign a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate). Minus the paddles, it was exactly the kind of scene I had to witness when TJ had his first seizure and was rushed to the ER and intubated. It had been an emotional day (for unrelated problems) and this was the last straw. I was right back in that ER. Back then I actually held it together. I suppose the adrenaline kicked in when the mom in me knew I had to hold it all in to be able to get through that night with my son. But last night there was no holding it in. I burst into tears. It came pouring out and there was no stopping it. I texted a friend who helped me regroup and took a moment to be grateful for the good people my life. This- these people- are the “what I think of” when I am haunted. They in turn help me see the truth and the light that my sadness can not always see past.
So after all that I hopped in the shower before Fallon came on then snuggled under a blanket and put on NBC. The remote was sitting on the arm of the couch to my right. I know this will sound kooky but I kept seeing golden yellow flashes of light in my peripheral vision right where the remote was sitting. I looked a couple times right at the remote and there was nothing. I looked back at the TV and I would see it again. For some reason I remembered my sister Jami telling how she thought TJ and Jimmy Kimmel had a similar sense of humor so I flipped over to ABC. Arnold Schwarzenegger was on the show. He was pretty funny and it was soon after that segment when I fell asleep. I awoke at 2:something to some talk show I’ve never heard of- Tamora Someone. She had Dana Bledsoe on and they were talking about her cancer. Apparently she was diagnosed with primary breast cancer years ago and opted for traditional chemo and radiation. Then she was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer four years ago and it is in her spine, hip and lymph nodes. They told her she could survive eight to ten years with treatment. Having lived through the horrors of chemo and radiation before, she opted to seek alternative treatment and so far her cancer has not spread. But her choice of treatment isn’t what struck me. We “opted” (clear throat here, read between the lines “had no other options”) for natural treatment too and it did not cure TJ. Dana actually never once said that she believes her choices will cure her. What she said was that she learned to accept the cancer as part of her, to embrace the cancer. “I accept the cancer.” Imagine that. Accepting all that we are and not just the good and the beautiful and the easy. Imagine what love could be brought to the world if we accepted that in everyone (I know there are times it is not healthy to do that. I am not talking about that). She also said she appreciates what the cancer has taught her by seeking out meditation, different food choices, and yoga. We have to embrace all of life and sometimes something seemingly bad things can teach us or bring us good things. It reminds of TJ’s words of thanks at his last Thanksgiving: “I am grateful for all the nice people I’ve met since being sick.” What a heart.
I truly believe TJ sent me those light flashes that caused me to change the channel. Had I not changed it I wouldn’t have woken to this no-name talk show and Dana’s message (which sadly I missed part of because I fell asleep again.) A message of love and light and acceptance sent from TJ through flashes, Jimmy Kimmel, Tamora So-in-so, and Dana Bledsoe.
So if that is a “haunting”, bring it on TJ! I’m here and I’m waiting, watching, and listening.
*IG post placed with permission from @deanjacksonnow
