There is a book I read not too long after TJ died called The Light Between Us. I suppose it wasn’t the first time I had heard of the idea of asking someone from the other side to send a specific sign, but it was the first time in the context of the bereaved mother and it resonated with me. I began asking TJ for all sorts of very specific signs that he did in fact send me. Stars inside circles, zebras, electrical signs….he sent every last one.

Then I met a person through Facebook who helped me connect even deeper with TJ and he encouraged me to choose a specific sign that would be just mine. I chose hearts. It’s not the most original, I know, but it’s meaningful to me as the love between this mother and her son. I knew then as I know now that hearts are all over but I also knew that I wasn’t talking about hearts at Valentine’s and the like. I meant something received in a special way, a way that MY heart would know it was from TJ.

Fast forward to this past Thursday. My 7 year old and I traveled down to visit my mom for a while in the Washington, D.C. area. This is our little vaca and I made plans to take him to all sorts of museums and other places. The zoo down here is free (and ours is decidedly NOT!) so it seemed like a great idea to squeeze that into our trip too. Oh, except that the only day I had available was the day after walking through a museum for 5 1/2 hours! Fortunately the little man didn’t know I was going to do this so I decided to scrap that plan. Mama was tooo tired! I went back to plan A for our Saturday which was a park day and hitting the local library. Bonus points since Aunt & Uncle wanted to go too!

As we unloaded at the park and walked over to the playground area it occurred to me that the last time I was at this particular park was in December of 2014. TJ had been diagnosed that August and no one really knew how much time we had with him. That December day it was me, the same Aunt, and both my boys walking and playing. So on this June day I said quietly, “Send me a sign, TJ.”

Little Man was all about flying his balsam wood plane. He went up to the top of the “macaroni and cheese slide” (so named for it’s spiral shape and Velveeta color) and made quite a number a great flights across the fields. But then there were a few not-so-good flights so I suggested that he move take-off to a set of bleachers. Yeahhhhh, this was not the best idea I’ve ever had. The fact that the bleachers were right by a large tree was lost on me. Little did we know that flight #3 was ill-fated. The poor Little Plane crash-landed into the tree, and not low enough for me to reach. Fortunately Uncle had some sort of lasso in the car and the Little Plane was rescued.

After that mishap Little Man decided he’d go back to the macaroni and cheese slide for any additional flights. There was a good-sized tree nearby and Aunt and Uncle had finished their walk so the adults settled in under its shade and talked about this and that. It was at that moment, walking to the shade tree, that I spotted TJ’s sign. My very own nature heart.

The tree was shedding its bark and right there in the wood mulch at the border of the playground it caught my eye. “Hey, Mom. Over here.” A perfect little piece of bark that had shed in the shape of a heart. I thanked TJ quietly and took a picture. I contemplated bringing it home but decided to leave nature in place. I had my sign and my memory and my picture.

I had had different plans for the day, but TJ met me where I ended up and left me a little piece of his heart. My boy always does.