It’s Valentine’s Day. Our family was never much on the sappy sentiments of the day. Not because we don’t love one another but it was just never like that here. I will say that the one exception is my Rachel. She always makes me a card. and this year was no exception. My sweet girl is so loving!
I made a warm soup for dinner with homemade truffles (with the assistance of my seven -year old) for dessert. Everything was delicious. I’ve talked to friends and caught up with each child about their day. And yet, I sit here on the verge of tears.
Songs fill my ears and my mind, filtering in through bluetooth and I sob. Mainly inside. I weary of people coming to comfort me sometimes. I know it sounds ridiculous and perhaps even ungrateful. After three years you start to feel burdensome to those around you. So I try to keep it in.
“And all the lights that lead the way are blinding. There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don’t know how. Maybe, you’re going to be the one who saves me. You’re gonna be the one that saves me. And after all, you’re my wonderwall……”
~oasis, as covered by ryan adams
Thinking about all the changes over the past years and all still to come, I am overwhelmed with emotion. Not defeated, not incapable of dealing, but sad, tired, mystified, and wondering. The anguish of so much loss is heavy sometimes. I won’t say that tonight is the worst it’s ever been. No, there were nights of wailing, of losing my breath, of losing my voice, of losing my mind. On certain nights, though, the weight of the atmosphere is so great that all I can do is sit in my chair at the kitchen table, silently crying and unable to move.
And like that, my solitude is invaded. First by an adorable seven year old, then by lights flicked on by adults wandering into the kitchen. I preferred the solitude even though the people and lights beckon me to get up and allow the life blood to return. I don’t want to get up. I want to sit. By myself. Then Adelle comes through the ear buds and I am transported to thoughts of my dear TJ, sitting quietly, thinking about his smile and the life we had together…
Whenever I’m alone with you, you make feel like I am home again…..However long I stay, I will always love you. Whatever words I say, I will always love you. I will always love you.
~The Cure, as covered by Adelle
“And I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you. I’m gonna hold you like I’m saying goodbye. Wherever we’re standing I won’t take you for granted, cuz we’ll never know when we’re gonna run out of time.…” Remember this, folks. I’ve lived it. I live it every day. I will always live it. We all run out of time. Don’t live with regret. Don’t live with unsaid words.
