Music, Lights, and Nutcrackers, Oh My

Driving to the home school co-op this morning I felt the holiday sadness creeping in. Like a wiggle worm- one part “get off me” and one part “don’t go away”- the emotions moved through my ears to my head, to my heart, and finally finding their escape route as tears that drenched my cheeks. It’s never easy knowing how to handle these moments. The feelings are so raw and so intense that all I really want to do is scream the loudest sobs I can muster. Because, you know, the louder I scream the more the sadness will leave. Except. That’s not true. After nearly three years I’ve learned that no amount of tears, no amount of crying, no volume of screaming ever really releases the emotion.

I had Christmas music on as we drove. Nat King Cole was crooning over the air waves. I can’t even recall any one particular thought. It wasn’t “I miss TJ” or “I wish he was here for Christmas.” There was only a build up that came to reckon its force, demanding to be let in and be let out. It was front and center in that minivan, not going anywhere until it was met head on……..

I began thinking about traditions. They are sweet and the memories sweeter. Yearly ornaments, seeing the neighborhood lights, Peddler’s Village, Christmas Eve at Aunt Sue’s…..and while co-op is not a holiday tradition, this afternoon we had a Christmas program to mark the end of the semester. We meet at a community church- the same church where I attended MOPs with all my kids, the same church where TJ attended youth group, and the same church where TJ’s funeral & Celebration of Life were held.

While I’ve been back to co-op with TJ’s younger brother and we’re there every week, today was the first time I’d set foot in the sanctuary since his funeral. I tried with all my might to hold it together. I did pretty well during the 3rd and 4th grade choir rehearsal but by the time the show was beginning I had fallen apart. Another mom simply sat next to me, put her arm around me, and said, “I’m sorry, friend.” She knew there was nothing else to be said and I’m grateful she didn’t try to find “the words.” She held space for me and let me cry. Then got some tissues. She pulled me through that moment when I didn’t think I would, and I am grateful.

I know today is only the beginning of what is likely, surely, most definitely to be a difficult month. It leads from Thanksgiving, to holiday traditions, to Christmas at Aunt Sue’s, to Christmas day, to the day the bottom fell out, to TJ’s death and culminating in his funeral. It’s never ending.

Where do I start? How do I start? Heck, it has started, with or without me. The holidays don’t stop for anyone or anything. I guess the better question is how do I maneuver from one day to the next? Each day has its challenges. I am trying to do only what I can and not feel guilty for what I can’t- which feels like a lot most days. I know I won’t live up to everyone’s hopes or even the most minimum of expectations of some. But for those who love me most, for those who don’t have any preconceived hopes, ideals, or notions of what I should be doing, for those people I may exceed expectations, or lack thereof.

I think I’m doing pretty good just having TJ’s nutcrackers out. He collected them. He still does by way of me. I get him a new one every year. This year I got him a white and gold nutcracker soap dispenser, which honestly, now that they are all out, I feel like I’ve cheated a little since he doesn’t perch on the piano with the others. He has 18 nutcrackers of all varying design on the piano with others that sit here and there and some that will go on the tree- fisherman, fireman, football player, owl, frog, the traditional ones of course….you name it, TJ has it.

Going to Peddler’s Village was always a highlight of the Christmas season, seeing the nutcrackers was a must on our to-do list. I didn’t get there for the Grand Illumination this year, but I think I will go Friday and visit our favorite store. For me, it’s something I have to do. I’ll likely be there alone and that’s alright.

Because I won’t really be alone. TJ will be with me.

Video tour of TJ’s nutcrackers