Inspire. To fill (someone) with the urge or ability to do or feel something, especially to do something creative. To create (a feeling, especially a positive one) in a person. To animate someone with (such a feeling). To give rise to.
People look at me & say I am an inspiration. Why? What have I done? I have done nothing. I have had something done to me I suppose. I certainly had something ripped away from me.
When I think about this in the lucidity of the day I can say to myself, “You are surviving when others might not. You continue to find joy where others might not. You have shorn yourself up in order to brave each new day with grace at a time when others might not.”
And then I sit here looking at the picture of me and TJ on the top of Mt Haleakula, the sun rays shining down on us, and all I can think is ‘I don’t want to have to survive. I don’t want to have to shore myself up each day. And could this fucking elephant that’s made its home on my chest get the hell off me?’ I want to cry and kick and scream and curse at the top of my lungs. But to what end? Would it make my heart any lighter? Would I stop feeling like there is physically a piece of me missing? Would I be able to breathe again? I don’t think so. Instead I cry myself to sleep and in the morning take a deep breath, start my day, and do the next right thing. If that is inspiring then so be it. I don’t really know what the alternative would be. I could fall apart and be of no use to my other children whom I love with all the depths of my heart. I see no point in that and I’m sure TJ wouldn’t either.
So I soldier on. Trying to find balance in this crazy mixed-up life of mine. If that inspires you, I’m glad for you and glad that something good could come from misery.
Here’s a song that I like to sing really loudly when I’m feeling this way, this how-does-good-come-from-bad mood. It somehow brings me comfort.
And here’s one that inspires ME to remember that TJ is still here and we will always love each other.
