I see now that most of the hard times in my life now are difficult “on more than one level.” Nothing has a cut and dry reason or explanation. If you saw me getting tearful today you would reasonably assume it’s because I am missing the chatter of Rachel’s energy. What wouldn’t be obvious is that there’s another level of heartache. One that no one can understand unless you have walked my road; and even of those people not everyone could truly understand.
Two days ago I drove Rachel 243 miles to college in Vermont. It was hard and fun and sweet and sad. I know she will thrive, grow wings, and soar to the sky as she hones her craft and her creativity. And I will miss her. Today I gave her one last hug until I see her in two months. As I left her dorm and walked to the van it hit me- again- that TJ will never get to go to college. He never finished 7th grade in fact. So how can I commemorate something that will never happen? Every year it gets closer to that day when he would have graduated high school, when he would have gone to college. Please don’t think I don’t care about Rachel going away. I am THRILLED and am soooo very happy for her. It’s just that driving her there and helping her set up her room, going over all the information in the orientation packet, meeting her roommate (who is a DOLL) and her parents (who are awesome!) was hard.
On more than one level.
In two days he would have started 10th grade. I am assuming he would be attending George School like his older sister since that was his goal and there’s no reason to think he wouldn’t have gotten accepted. I don’t get to have a “first day of school” photo. I get a “first day of awareness month” photo. I have to imagine TJ walking the campus of George with his backpack slung over his shoulders; imagine him on the equestrian team (thanks to Miss Joy), and imagine him participating in the Reading Olympics and robotics programs. These were some of the things he loved to do that I can only imagine. As Susiy starts her senior year and all the excitement that is to come, I know TJ never gets a senior year.
On more than one level.
Three weeks from tomorrow he would’ve turned 15. But I don’t get to plan his party. I do however get to plan his little brother’s birthday, just a few weeks after TJ’s, which will be fun. It’s going to be a dinosaur theme. TJ would have loved helping with all the planning and preparations. As fun as it will be, it can’t replace missing yet another one of TJ’s birthday
More than one level.
So how do I get through this? The only way I know is to make each day special during this month of both awareness and TJ’s birthday.
What did I do today? I tried to visit an alpaca farm. I remember TJ went to one in Maryland with some family members and he really liked it. I saw one in Vermont on the drive up so I thought I’d stop in, but it was closed. That’s ok. I didn’t throw in the towel. I decided that I would stop at a rest stop in New York in the hopes of finding a pressed penny machine. I passed a few and finally chose the Modena rest stop on the New York Throughway. It had a bizarre smell that I’m sure was the mixture of Moe’s Grill, Uno’s, and McDonald’s. It was a little sickening to tell the truth. But I wasn’t just there for sustenance and a bathroom break. I was after the penny! I didn’t see one and felt a bit disappointed. But then, like a beacon of hope, there it was! I got two pennies- one of the Adirondacks because TJ loves nature, and one of “those we remember”. I’m sure that one had to do with 9-11 but “remembering” and a picture of an angel…I knew it was perfect. I drew quite a little crowd as people watched with great interest what a grown woman might want with pressed pennies. Part of me wanted to tell the onlookers why I was getting these shiny tokens, but part of me wanted it to be my secret. See, nothing is simple any more.
More levels.
So my plan is to do something special each day to remember TJ, the angels, and the warriors. I will keep you posted!
