Facebook did it to me again. Those memories that pop up everyday. I don’t hate them. Truly I don’t. They bring me daily reminders of my sweet TJ and happy times we had together- our dates, his singing, him playing with his siblings, his Lego and origami creations, they are all great things. Normally (by which I mean 50-60% of the time) I see the memories, smile, re-share, and go to the next one.
Not yesterday. Yesterday I had a total meltdown in the car. I came across a post I wrote- no pictures, mind you-about this time of year and seeing all the kids go to prom and graduate. Every May and June I am reminded of two of the things that TJ will never get to do- go to prom and graduate high school or college.
While there are many other events that fall into this category of “nevers”, graduation is particularly difficult. Those other things happen here & there- a new boy/girlfriend, a newly licensed driver, even getting married and having a baby. But school? That’s every year. Another class moves onward and upward.
School was important to TJ. He never skipped, even in illness, and never let his eyes off the prize- an engineering degree. He went to a college fair at the age of eleven. Yes, 11! For him his path was clear: graduate high school early, attend either University of Maryland, MIT, or Drexel, graduate with a degree in mechanical engineering, and design something that would change the world. And every. damn. year. I’m reminded that that. won’t. ever. happen.
So when you post your photos of your beautiful daughters and handsome sons in gowns & tuxes, and in caps and tassels carrying those coveted pieces of paper, know that I see them. I love them. I just can’t always choke the tears down long enough to comment. You see, I just can’t help crying thinking about this “never”.
This year TJ’s sister, Rachel, is graduating. We’ve made it through prom and she’s had her final dance banquet. Soon I’ll watch her last dance recital and senior solo (I will be packing the Kleenex! Let me know if you need me to pass you a box.) Then two weeks later she will walk across the stage at graduation and receive her permission slip to move to Vermont and start the next chapter of her life. I am so proud of her and yet tearful at the same time. She has worked so hard to take the next step in achieving her dreams. She is brave and she is strong. I am certain TJ is proud of her and will be smiling down on her that night knowing she has crossed the finish line of this well run race. I know he will go with her to college and experience her life there as he keeps watch over his Ray Ray.
