Today has been a lousy day. Everything at work feels like “one more thing” added to the pile. I’ve hit a point where I actually cried in front of our new administrator. Sometimes I am so tired of healthcare. You have to spend so much of your time either 1) doing someone else’s work, or 2) documenting every inch you move to CYA that you hardly have time for the patients. It’s frustrating and I’m tired of it. And I’m just plain tired.
Then I got home and as I answered Todd’s question “What’s the date?” and responded “the 9th” I burst into a fit of held-back, pushed-down quiet tears. The 9th. 28 months. 851 days. 851 days without TJ’s smile. 851 days without snuggles. 851 days without “Mooooom! How was your day?” 851 days without hearing his voice at all. 851 days without any new memories. 851 days without their brother being here to play with, to wrestle with, to make jokes with. 851 days of trying to literally WORK through and in spite of the suffering. 851 days of reminding myself that TJ wouldn’t want me to be sad and simultaneously knowing that it’s exhausting to “not be sad.” 851 days.
I look around my house and all I see is the mess left from a family that is, quite simply, trying to stay afloat- mentally, emotionally, physically, financially. It’s depressing. But all I can do is drag myself out of my bed, go to work, smile, hope the day isn’t too discouraging, smile, come home, smile, throw something in a pot in the hopes that it’s liked, smile, take the kids to their activities (which honestly is the thing I enjoy the most because at least I can spend time with them & I’m “away” from the rest), figure how to make things all work out, and smile.
Go to bed. Wake up. Do it all over again.
Well, there’s my text alert. The 16 year old is ready to get picked up from school. Time to move. And smile.
TJ had one of the best smiles. I need to follow his lead 🙂
