Two days ago as I headed off to work I saw all the high school kids walking to the bus. There was a boy from our court and all I could think was ‘TJ should be getting on that bus.’ In that instant all the little moments I won’t get to see and experience because of TJ’s death came flooding over me.
TJ would be wrapping up his first year in high school right about now. Knowing him, he would be making plans for colleges to visit this summer (he always thought about college and his dream of being an engineer.) 
I saw an adorable picture of one of TJ’s cousins with his date getting ready to go to their 8th grade dance and thought, ‘ I wonder who TJ would have taken to his first fall dance? He would have looked so dapper in a suit with one of his signature fedoras!
(left, in architecture class; and right, out on the town in Peddler’s Village seeing the Christmas tree lights). There is no end to the list of little everyday things that remind me of what I don’t get to watch TJ grow up to do. And I’m thrilled for all the kids I DO get to see grow up. I absolutely fawned over the photo of my great-nephew and his date. I would NEVER NOT want to see a child’s graduation or prom photo. But as an angel-mama there’s just no way to not get misty-eyed with wonder…..
I realize that none of this matters to TJ. He’s in eternity. His soul has journeyed on. But mine is left behind with all the “what ifs” and “I wonders” leading to the only end possible now that he has left Earth: the “nevers”.
I will never:
- be his teacher again
- take him to his first job interview
- meet his first girlfriend
- be there as he starts high school
- travel with him to his favorite sites
- teach him to drive
- see him off to Prom
- take him to visit colleges
- help him apply to colleges
- hear his excitement over getting into his favorite school
- watch him graduate high school
- settle him into his first dorm room and meet that first roommate
- worry over whether he’s making friends at college
- see him graduate college
- watch him go on his first real-world interview
- be there when he brings home his first serious girlfriend
- get the phone call that he’s engaged
- dance with him at his wedding
- get the phone call that he’s going to be a dad
- hold his newborn child
- hold his toddlers on my lap
- watch his kids grow up
- spend holidays at his house with his family
And these are just the things I can think of as I sit here…….
