Today has been quite an interesting day filled with little signs from my TJ. But I to tell you the story of today I must tell you the story of yesterday. And the day before.
Two days ago I mentally marked off the 27th month without TJ. It was a day like any other day except with the glaring reality that for 730 days I could not see, hug or kiss TJ, snuggle TJ, or hear about his day (among many many other things!) When he first died I marked each month by sending up balloons, one for each month he had been gone from his physical body. Then I changed to blowing bubbles because I thought he might not like the idea of all those balloons bothering birds, landing in waterways, and generally being a nuisance. I love “our” bubbles. I watch them dance and often blow them over the heater fan outside so they can get a boost up to the heavens. I play songs that remind me of him and cry. Then I suck it all back in and do whatever is next.
But two days ago I was out of bubbles. To satisfy my bubble need I tried finding a video of bubbles in the sky but all I could find were crazy conspiracy theory bubble cloud videos or poorly made videos of bubbles in someone’s yard with too-loud music backing it up. I didn’t get upset though. I decided instead to meditate on meeting TJ in the ether. The dog eventually squashed that plan. I don’t know why I didn’t put him in his pen before starting to avoid being interrupted. But I didn’t. And so the meditating only got so far.
The next day- yesterday- I had some sort of stress attack (for lack of a better phrase). I had a lot of pain that radiated down my left arm and my blood pressure shot up. My co-workers insisted I go to the ER and even drove me. I didn’t want to go but it became clear they weren’t taking “no” for an answer. Off to the ER we went. Two baby aspirins, two EKGs, two sets of labs, one chest x-ray, and one profusely bleeding IV insertion site later they let me go home & said I had “low risk chest pain.” After highlighting the day’s craziness on Facebook last night another angel mom said this morning it was “broken heart syndrome.”
I’ve heard of this before but decided to look it up. Apparently it can come on by stress like the loss of a loved one or even a good stress like winning the lottery. It’s also called “takotsubo”. Lord knows I’ve had my share of stress the past four years! But what I find quite ironic is the alternate name, this takotsubo. This is the name of an octopus trap. TJ loved to draw octopi and I still have the giant octopus chalk drawing in my kitchen that he drew for Rocco’s Under the Ocean birthday party in 2015. I have been staring at his octopus a lot lately, noticing that I need to touch it up again. I’ve also been wanting a sign from TJ lately (well let’s be honest, “always” would be more accurate than “lately”) and this seems like something from him regardless of how it came to me.
So today I took off from work- doctor’s orders. Oh, by the way, the doc in the ER last night was named Dr. Brilliant. No lie! Dr. Brilliant. He only works in the ER once a month and he was MY doctor. I have to chuckle. That’s brilliant, TJ. Hee hee…..Anyhow, I stayed home at the advice of Dr. Brilliant and decided to take care of me. I went to the chiropractor, did a sheet mask infused with bee venom (they had me at “venom”), and then did a guided meditation that was for meeting your loved ones in the beyond.
The particular mediation I listened to is one I haven’t played in some time, making it feel new again. I always enjoyed it but was listening to it so regularly that I could predict what was coming next. But today it was fresh again. So fresh that I could honestly feel the light of love all around me infusing into my own being. I felt TJ’s presence, saw his face, and felt him holding my hands. We didn’t talk except for one thing he said to me: “I got here first.” That was all. “I got here first.” It filled me with such an understanding that we are all headed in the same direction but some arrive at the next destination before the rest of us. I won’t say that it’s not still sad to be without that person by your side. What I will say is that it gave me some relief to hear this from TJ. Like he’s just waiting for me, hanging out waiting for me.
I had a little time before picking up Rocco from the bus and took out my laptop to write this post. Being lost in my thoughts, I suddenly realized the bus would be coming around the bend in less than two minutes. I threw on the flip flops and ran out the door. In a matter of seconds the big yellow bus came rolling around the block, delivering my happy little six year old right into my arms. I love picking him up at the bus stop and rarely get to do it. He ran ahead of me into the house. By the time I got inside he was taking something out of his backpack. It was a green origami heart with a message inside written in Spanish. He didn’t know where it came from. It was in his mailbox at the end of the day so he brought it home & gave it to me. A green origami heart. For ME. Inside was written (thank you, google translate) “peace is the love that unites us all.” It was signed by “Michelle, 10 anos”. 
Besides that I have no idea why it was left for Rocco except that TJ knew I needed it. I’m so in awe of how the universe works to bring me the reminders I need, the reminder that TJ is RIGHT HERE but that he’s also RIGHT THERE waiting for me. He just got there first.
