Some angel-mamas I know seem to have regular dream visits from their angels. I have only had four and one daytime visit. I know there are those who don’t believe in visits from their loved ones and that’s okay. That’s not really the point of this post. I only mention it to say that I am not someone who gets to see her son very often in dreams. Which is why when he was in my dream last week with his body in water and his face in distress (I’ll spare you the troubling details), I was in distress. That, however, is actually a huge understatement. I awoke at 3:45am screaming in terror, screaming in panic. The visual that was etched in my mind’s eye took me right back to the same horror of his death. His dream state had nothing to do with how, when, or where he died. But the emotion it evoked in me was on par with the horror I had that day on January 9th, 2016.
I texted my west coast sister hoping she was still up but she wasn’t. The next day we connected and she had a bit of meaningful insight. There was a lot of water in this dream. It was coming through the basement ceiling and I was trying to use pots to catch it all. There was also a man in another room who I asked for help but he told me I’d have to “figure it out myself.” Figuring things out myself has essentially been my modus operandi for as long as I can remember so his presence is no surprise. He was either pointing out that I don’t ask for help or perhaps a symbol of the fact that sometimes there’s no one who can fix something- it really is all you. Then there was the site of TJ under water (I don’t want to give specifics since they could be disturbing). My sister believed the leaking water is like my grief, my tears. And TJ’s troubling face represents how I feel inside, everything I’m holding inside. It makes sense and if nothing else eased my suffering.
Today my husband was sharing this dream with a friend. She is someone who is quite intuitive and had a similar interpretation: the leaking water was my tears and TJ under water was me drowning him in my tears and grief. She went on to tell him that TJ is happy, joyful, at peace; that when I can release more of the grief he will be able to be closer to me, that I will be able to know and sense he’s here.
This is not anything I haven’t heard or read before. I DO believe that our loved ones are right here, a whisper away, a breath away, on the other side of veil no thicker than a sheet of paper. I know grief is not something to hold onto. By that I mean that my head knows but my heart fights it.
Last week in an online meditation group I participate in the message was that we are not our old selves. We need to release that person, even the idea that we are still that person. Then in letting that go it no longer has its hooks in us making us feel guilt and shame. At first I thought “but I will ALWAYS be the mother of a dead son.” However, in hearing my husband’s friend’s comments that TJ is joyful, I think- I think– what I should actually get from that message is that TJ has moved onto the next part of his soul journey and that the person I was when he was on earth in human form is not here any longer either. Be that someone who made wrong decisions (including in his illness), be that anger I had, impatience I “lavished” on others, be that poor self control or too much control……I am not that person. None of us are our old selves. Everyday we inherently move forward from who we were yesterday. It is nature. It can not be stopped. Nevertheless our minds continue to tell ourselves “You are (fill in the blank).” We have to set that aside. Maybe even forgive ourselves for past mistakes. One thing I can say about my life is that while I certainly have made my share of mistakes I do not regret a single one. They have molded me into the person I am. I’m not the same person who made those mistakes. I have learned from them and been able to be different (no eye rolling from family and friends who are surely aware of the parts that still need to “be different”). We’re all a work in progress. That’s kinda the point. We aren’t who we were and aren’t who we will be.
And so I believe- even more so as I write this-the message the universe is so desperately trying to send me lately is that TJ has moved on to his next journey and so too should I. So too must I.
The next big question then becomes “where does that journey take me and what am I doing along the way?
Dear Krissy, Thank you for sharing this most beautiful part of your heart… your journey. Since Luke was diagnosed, I have had this feeling that holding on to life… his or mine, is like holding water in my hands. Even if I cup my hands, the water still empties out. So I have tried to picture that my hands are outstretched, open. The water (life) pours out over them, and spills over to whatever… whoever is nearby. I don’t know if you, or any of the other Moms who have lost their child are ok that you are teachers to us Moms who are still in the “before” part of this journey. I wonder how I will go on…. But then I see you, and other Mommas, and I know that the journey never ends. And life goes on. And it still goes on with the one that we lose. Thank you…
Well none of us would have asked to be teachers to other moms but sometimes you are not part of the decision process in this life. If I can help even one person then his death is not in vain.