In a previous post I mentioned that I started an online course designed to help the reader identify emotional obstacles to clearing away clutter & having a more spacious home and life. Since that time a dear sweet angel-mama-sister said that our kids (our dead kids, though it applies universally to all of us) are not their things. The message was loud and clear that getting rid of those things of TJ’s that do not serve me- happy memories, a memento of some event, some time, some place special- does not mean I am getting rid of him. Of course the delicate problem with this concept is that virtually everything of his reminds me of him and his personality, his character, his entire being is remembered in the earthly context of some event, some time, and some place; his whole life slowly becomes intricately entwined with his belongings because there is nothing new for me to be a part of with him.
But let me pull back for a sec. One of the more recent lessons in the course was to acknowledge the emotions I feel when I am clearing something away that causes an uncomfortable feeling. To sit with it, to let it ruminate, and then decide what I’m going to do with the item. Throwing it out does not seem to be the goal so much as acknowledging the feelings it conjures up and being OK with them. So when I came across a Lego magazine addressed to TJ (mind you it was from last year. TJ never even received it personally) I began to feel sad. Right smack in the middle of clearing out year-old paperwork from under my desk. I sat with that sadness on the dining room floor and wept, surrounded by old papers and my dog. Eventually I took a deep breath and threw the magazine out. In the past I may have thrown it out, but without the acknowledgement that my feelings were acceptable and they didn’t herald anything other than acceptance that I don’t need a magazine to remember TJ. Especially not a Lego magazine. TJ has hundreds of Lego creations around the house, many his own design. All I have to do is look at any one of those. I even have him on video telling about one of the designs he made.
I now know I CAN do this. This “not holding on to things”. This “releasing things that don’t serve”. Even if the things are TJ’s. I admit I’m not overly motivated (interpreted “not motivated”) to go through TJ’s things. But I won’t be worried or scared to sort and sift. I have been in 
touch with someone who volunteers to make T shirt quilts for bereaved parents of childhood brain tumor angels. I have been anxious to choose Ts, afraid I’ll be sad (interpreted “crazed with anguish and regret”) and afraid I’ll make the wrong choices. I think I will make an appointment with myself to allow enough time to sort and weep, sort and weep. And in the end have a beautiful creation that will bring a lifetime of snuggles with TJ.
One of TJ’s iconic T shirts: the cyclops smiley face
We are currently moving, in the middle of a divorce after 20 years, and clearing out Trent’s room. Tomorrow marks 6 months since he transitioned. To much sadness going around. I keep the things that are special – all of his boy scout stuff, down to the last worksheet. This was something the two of us did together. Other things that I know I have no use for and I know someone else can use, such as his clothing…I have given away to a homeless teen center. The special t-shirts and sleepy pants were made into blankets so I can cuddle up in them and keep him close. I highly suggest doing this since it looks like your son had some favorite t’s. All that we as parents are going through SUCKS. We take the hits constantly…It never seems to lessen. And I’m finding that there are triggers everywhere to get the tears rolling. Such a void in our lives.
Yes, I know these triggers well! They are all over the house, and yet I can not remove them. These things may trigger us, but they are all we- you & I- have to be able to “see” our boys. It’s like a little “hello”.
This is such a moving article that deals with so many emotions that is hard to identify much less deal with them or feel them. Thank you for sharing
No thanks needed. Just having an audience at all that hears my heart and perhaps is blessed in the process is very special and appreciated.
I am dealing with this same issue, however it was my mom who passed. Mom had belongings of my sister who tragically passed 20 years ago . I dealing with a double loss. Along with a divorce after 36+ years marriage, sellingmy home and moving 13 hours away to start over..lugging all this with me. Needles to say…medication and therapists are helping. Good luck and prayers. My mom said loss of my sister was the worst pain in her 83 years. Prayers for strength sent to you. ❤
Sounds like you are dealing with A LOT!!! My brother died when I was only 7 and my mom had to live with that for the past 40 years. Any loss is difficult. Ironically we all die but none of us are equipped with handling the loss when we lose a loved one. Keep breathing, Roberta! That’s all any of us can do.
Krissy, I just want you to know that you and T.J. both will always have special places in my heart, and I can’t begin to imagine just how difficult this is for you without your T.J. He always has been and always will be one of my biggest inspirations, not only as a fellow warrior brother, but as someone who clearly and definitively put the “I” in FIGHT. That’s exactly what he did. I will always love your T.J., and I encourage you to reach out to me any time you want. You are a very eloquent writer, and I enjoy reading your material; most importantly, you have always been a very sweet friend of mine, and I am here for you.
Thank you so much for all your kind words. It’s always a blessing to hear that TJ inspires people even though he is unseen.