Packing it all Away

It may come as a surprise to you (truth be told I’m sure it will be a surprise to most if not all of you) to learn that pretty much all of our Christmas decorations are still up. Not that I’ve ever been one to put things away right after New Year’s, but I at least had things down by the Super Bowl or Valentine’s Day.

TJ died right after Christmas 2015 and the tree that year came down in time for his big sister’s Sweet 16 party- in June. The space that would be left by the missing tree represented so much more than another Christmas gone by. It somehow felt- for me- like I was packing TJ away, packing away the last time I saw him happy. Quite bluntly, packing away felt like a searing hot iron rod through my heart. And the family was certainly in no hurry for things to be “put back to normal” either. Besides, what was normal anyhow but something that would never truly return. I sincerely believe if it was not for that birthday party the tree would have remained right through the summer and perhaps still been in place for the next holiday season.

After Christmas 2016, decorations stayed up for a long while again.  I can’t remember exactly when things came down but I am certain it was past March. Somehow I managed to sell myself on the concept that if the tree stayed up much longer then it wouldn’t be as special once December rolled around.

And here we are on February 20th, 2018 with the Christmas 2017 tree- and mantle, and nutcrackers (TJ’s collection), and snowmen, and even packaging under the tree- all still on full display. You know, for those who love that year-round Christmas feel and want a place to visit for Christmas in July, give me a call. I may able to schedule a tour. I’m kidding of course. But this year is different. It’s not the painful feeling of packing away my dead son’s last happy holiday that’s keeping the task on my to-do list. It’s the feeling of being utterly overwhelmed. I simply can’t muster the emotional or mental strength to do it. It’s a LOT of work. Which you all know because you all have to go through the same ordeal as me. But to have to do it while battling guilty taunts from demons telling me “you should have…_ and “if only…” and every memory of those horrible two weeks spanning December 26th, 2015 to January 9th, 2016…..well, it’s just too much. Every year at the start of the holiday the kids would decorate the tree with “their” ornaments and when it all came down they each lovingly and carefully wrapped their ornaments & packed them away in labeled boxes. For two years, and now three, I have been the one to lovingly and carefully wrap and pack TJ’s ornaments. I just don’t know if I can do it. I don’t regret putting everything out this year. I will always decorate at Christmas. I wouldn’t be honoring TJ’s memory if I didn’t. But I have not yet been able to will myself or convince myself or even downright force myself to move past Christmas here on Henley Common (even the lawn is a give away to what lurks inside.)

All this to say that the other night I decided I could muster one Christmas pack-up task on that one night. I got out the paper towels and glass cleaner and cleaned the spray-on snow from the front windows. Mind you the reindeer cling is still on the outside of the window. Being dark at the time of that decision I told myself the window was a two-task job: inside and outside.

I started a one year online course on clearing space. It’s really about clearing from the inside out, one layer at a time. Today’s questions to ponder were: 1) how do I hope to feel as a result of clearing what no longer serves and supports me?; 2) what I hope to let go of is ___________.; and 3) what I hope to attract is___________. Why do I mention this in a post about my Christmas decorations? It’s not that I consider Christmas trees and other decorations clutter, but it is starting to feel like a huge emotional block against taking on this seemingly monumental job, much like the house in general.

So I ask myself, in terms of Christmas decorations: How do I hope to feel as a result of clearing what no longer serves & supports me? Answer: first I have to get to the point of seeing it doesn’t serve me in February or March or beyond. And once I internalize that sadness or being overwhelmed at the sight of my tree & realize these emotions aren’t supporting me? What do I hope to let go of? Answer: the feeling of sadness and regret that I didn’t know December 25th, 2015 would be his last good day. What do I hope to attract? Answer: a feeling of happiness and joy when remembering that same joy in TJ’s heart at Christmas, not just in 2015 but in all the previous 12 years, when I see our decorations (let me say right here that “Christmas” doesn’t make me sad, but it’s oh so hard to put the sad in a box on the shelf and only unpack the joy.)

TJ was more than his illness. And Christmas is more than a memory of TJ’s death. I know, spiritually speaking, that Christmas heralds joy and seasonally it is the precursor to spring and rebirth. And so I must fill my thoughts with the constant monologue that removing the Christmas decorations isn’t so much packing away as it is creating space for new life, breath, and springtime in the house- all things TJ would want for himself if he was here, for me, and for our home.

But saying is easier than doing. Wanna come over for some Christmas carols?