Sometimes getting through this grief thing isn’t anything dramatic. Sometimes it’s simply getting from point A to point B in your day, and then the next day & the next. Before you know it there’s a string of points & you’ve made it through several days or even a week. I guess that’s been my week. I hadn’t even realized that 13 days had gone by without writing. I had thoughts, ideas, meanderings, but had just kept plugging along from here to there….
In my Facebook memories I saw photos & videos of our family enjoying the Super Bowl a couple years ago. Leading up to the big game I thought about what this year would have been like with TJ. I still think about it. I mean, the Super Bowl isn’t a HUGE thing as compared to say, Christmas (at least not in our home). But it is still something that we like to watch together. It’s a reason to come together over appetizers & root for our team & watch funny commercials. I’ve thought about what commercials TJ would have enjoyed. What appetizers he would have requested. I’m pretty sure it would have been something more exciting than the corn chips with salsa & frozen pizza we had. Somehow I didn’t have the energy to put much into the preparation for the night’s festivities. Go figure.
But we watched & rooted for our HOME team & it was fun. Honestly fun, even amid the chaos of siblings arguing & a 6 yr old being a huge distraction. And so I got from point A (preparing to watch) to point B (post-game). And of course the next day everyone at work was so excited to finally have the trophy in Philly (we’re in the burbs). And so I got to point C.
Monday night I went back into work to cover a night shift that had a call out. With a quiet night at work I had time to catch up on my daytime work and before I knew it I was at point D.
Point E? I slept most of Tuesday and the day was over before I could blink.
Point F? Laundry, housecleaning, carting kids around.
Point G? Well, here I sit. I’ve gotten from Sunday to Thursday evening. It hasn’t been a horrible week. That’s good, right? Right. I’ve had moments- like when I hung a wire dreamcatcher with a “T” in the middle of it in my office. But instead of crying I just smiled at the initial “T”. We often called TJ, “T”, and so I just stared at it as the copper wire, hanging from my desk lamp, twirled to & fro. Or today when I watched the photo booth video of me & TJ from April 2015. Just us being silly. Photo booths were sort of our thing. We ALWAYS hopped in the photo booth if one presented itself to us. I got a bit choked up watching that. It felt like a dagger going through my heart as I thought, “He’s really not here.” Tears welled up. I took a deep breath & honored the moment of sadness.
I suppose that’s what is meant by grief being softer over time. My grief isn’t always as soft as a smile & a deep breath. I still have times of hard crying. And if you are on this grief-journey too you will have times of both soft & hard. It’s actually- for me- sometimes filled with a bit of guilt, the softer times. As if I’m not honoring TJ’s memory by not being ripped to pieces 24/7. Then I remind myself (like I did just now as I stared at TJ’s photo in the kitchen) that guilt is not something TJ would be proud of. I force myself to pull it together. Point H is on the horizon.
